Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Hey, Mom, We're Famous!!

A man approaches us as we walk down the street. “Would you like a free t-shirt?” Well, it's the middle of the day and we're on a crowded city street. If he's some sort of nut job I can always create a scene. Thus bolstered by the security of my fellow-pedestrians, I tell him, yes, I'd like a free t-shirt. In truth, I never wear the things, but I'm sure my son will like whatever it turns out to be. Then I notice the microphone in the fellow's hand. Then I notice the cameraman in behind him. They are shadowed by the girl who is barely visible behind the heap of t-shirt she carries. Oh, yes. Seems I'm about to be taped for television. Oh, Lord. I'm wearing my Ugly Sundress. The one whose only virtue (not to be taken lightly when the forecast is 33/humidex 45) is that it's cool. But flattering? Not on your life. Pretty? Not even close. The background is fine: it's a kinda funky dark and light blue swirly print that looks waterish, and if they'd stopped there, it would be a Pretty Sundress. The problem is the dolphins. Honkin' big, bulbous, beige dolphins. Cavorting all over me. Curling over a breast, dashing across my belly, bouncing round my ass, all in ways designed to draw one's attention to, and exaggerate the size of, these attributes. I had originally planned to go to a park; I never wear this thing in public. At the park are home-based mothers. Sweat-stained, burpcloth moms, dosed in Eau de Sour Milk, are not “public”. They understand too well the significant accomplishment of simply getting yourself and your offspring dressed and out the door in the morning to waste any time worrying about another mom's fashion sense. I changed my plans, but I didn't change my dress. And now I'm on television... Thank God I'm wearing my totally cool Bluesfest hat and my kick-ass sunglasses. It's the local Cable Station, doing a promo, getting the word out that they've changed their name. They let me know this, then they put the mike in front of each child in the stroller. “What's your name?” As if any child under the age of three is going to answer this question, much less when asked by a strange man shoving something in their face. I help the man along, give them each of the children's names. “This is Zach, and that's Alice.” Each child gets their four seconds of air time. The microphone and camera move on to Darcy. “The one in the front, he might tell you his name.” I say helpfully. What would you do, if you were not quite three, and someone pushed something roughly popsicle-shaped, albeit of a strange texture, and black, right up to your mouth? I mean, really. His mouth opens, his tongue comes out... “Or, he might lick the microphone.” I add, even more helpfully. The fellow takes it in stride. Holding up the mike he hollers out “Lysol! We need Lysol here!”, while I cackle merrily in the background. I dunno. Will this sound bite survive the editing?

11 Comments:

Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

Tee Hee. Last fall , my husband went back to University of Pittsburgh to interview prospective PhD. grads to potentially join his company. He got in the day before the interviews and was to meet his old professor. His professor had to delay the meeting for a couple of hours, so my husband went into a liquor store to buy some beer that we couldn't get in New Jersey. Out of nowhere came a reporter and cameraman wanting to interview him about his thoughts on liquor stores being able to sell beer on Sundays (they weren't at the time).

That night, my phone started ringing because all of our friends in Pittsburgh saw him on the 6:00 News and hadn't even known he was in town. What was really funny was how his name was captioned on the screen-- Dr. Chemist, "Beer Consumer".

7/13/2005 08:59:00 p.m.  
Anonymous mary p said...

This tells me he was all in favour of Sunday openings. One would think "Dr. Chemist" might brew his own in the basement!

7/13/2005 10:48:00 p.m.  
Blogger Candace said...

Beer consumer.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

As for Darcy...TOO funny!

And I'm so sorry about the honkin' dolphins. Oh my!

7/13/2005 11:02:00 p.m.  
Blogger August95 said...

The camera always shows up when we are wearing honkin' dolphins. I think it is the way of things to keep us humble LOL.

7/13/2005 11:12:00 p.m.  
Blogger Mary P. said...

Misfit: Glad you liked the Darcy bit. "Or he might lick the microphone" was my favourite line. I think August has reached Truth about the dolphins:

August: The camera always shows up when we are wearing honkin' dolphins. LOL!!! My post, turned into a Life Lesson. I think you're right.

7/14/2005 07:38:00 a.m.  
Blogger Heather said...

If it doesn survive the editting room you can always offer to do "the Making of..."

I've always wondered why big people never fail to ask the youngest child the pressing questions. Luckily for me I have 2 nosier children who butt in and respond...adding in all sorts of important yet irrelavent info...(Asking their names, also contains the questions how Old are you and what grade are you in)

Hopefully the dolphins make the news!

7/14/2005 08:08:00 a.m.  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

Yes--Dr. Chemist DOES brew beer in his lab (basement)! However did you know?!

7/14/2005 02:10:00 p.m.  
Blogger Mary P. said...

How could he not? He's a "Beer Consumer" with the requisite skills! What else is a chemistry degree for, if not to produce potables?

Either that, or I'm psychic.

7/14/2005 03:03:00 p.m.  
Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

Mary P., You killed me on this post. I'm just a chuckle box right now. Cavorting dophins followed by the mic popsicle Lysol emergency was too funny.

7/14/2005 03:42:00 p.m.  
Blogger Mary P. said...

Glad you liked it. I got to have all the fun living it, why shouldn't you guys get the secondary fun of reading it? Nah - I'm sure you had more fun reading it!

7/14/2005 05:06:00 p.m.  
Blogger Kat O+ said...

Well, after all, the world is a tasty place! :-D

9/02/2005 02:41:00 a.m.  

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